30 04 2007

I have had enough of all these shit in life, if forgiveness is something i need to find from God and go through all these shit as punishment, then keep the forgiveness for someone else. I do not need His forgiveness. My hatred grows daily for myself, for those who did me wrong. I will not forgive Simone, Andrea, Amos, Norman and those who have sinned against me. So now, i preached what i believe – i do not expect forgiveness from God and let hatred reign in my heart today.


How long more?

30 04 2007


I know i have been a bad person for most of my life. Every single commands and laws i have transgressed against you and i am a sinner, the worst of the worse. I am sure many can attest to that, and shame in listing them, (lied, cheated, sexual immoralities, hurt girls i’ve loved, i have turned away from you to drinking, and many more) and greater shame that i have done it knowing full well of the consequences of my actions. Lord I am a sinner.

How long do i need to be punished Father? I have tried but failed, and i know what happened, for the last few years – from relationships to work, and in my personal walk with you, it is all failures, i am prepared to give up my business, i do not care about wealth or health, nor do i care about business when i’ve got no peace with you. How do i find peace with you? When will my punishment be over Father? I hate my life, really, and everything with it.

I am perplexed and i am in anger, not with anyone, but myself. I have myself to be blamed for after all i am a disgusting, sinner. If i do not find favour in God’s eyes, then i will not want to have his favour or blessings. Take my life and spare me this agony, anywhere is better than here, be it hell or heaven.

Working with Angels to bring revival?

28 04 2007

I read this and my heart sank.

Randy Demain was visited by the Lord and assigned an angel named Breakthrough Revival. When this angel shows up, an incredible empowerment comes for revival, healing and deliverance. This is a mighty angel who can destroy the forces of darkness that attempt to hold back the promises of God.

As you watch this video you will hear from Randy about this powerful angel and the grace of heaven that is available to see the seeds of destiny in you flower into fullness in this hour!

It is so sad, that the focus is now on miracles, angels to bring about revival, rather than God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Nowhere in the bible are we commanded to chase after angels but many times, we are commanded to walk in the Spirit and in the Lord, and live by His Word. I lost my book “Charismatic Chaos” by John MacArthur and i was quite devastated by that. I think i shall save up to go and get the book again.

I am worried where all these teachings are bringing us to, a new era of heretical teachings that take our faith off Jesus to angels?

Life is about decisions

28 04 2007

I’ve learned in my short life of 30, that there is only one word that sums up what’s living is about – it is about making decisions and choices. Along since i was 10, i made the decision to accept Jesus as my Saviour, though i wasn’t really living it out until i was 15 or 16 in one of the youth camps that i truly decided to pursue Him as my Lord.

In life, maybe it is inevitable that we will fall, and it seems almost impossible to comprehend what it is like to know a person who has never fallen into sin. Sin has it lures of temporal pleasures and it does offer a short fleeting moment of satisfaction, but in the end, it is always pain, guilt, and perhaps detrimental to our walk in Christ.

I have made many terrible decisions, made many wrong choices, had my share of shameful period of lifestyle in debauchery, fleshly gratification, and worldly carnal pleasures. In those days, i’ve sow many seeds of iniquities, and reaping the consequences now as i believe. If my life is measured by my actions and speech, I would be damned to eternity in hell, that’s why till today i am awed, overwhelmed by His Grace and His Mercy especially that who am i that He should save me and notice me and pulled me from the pits of hell that i was.

I realised today, when Mercy said something, since i came into her life, i have been a source of distraction for her in many areas – her spiritual walk, her work etc. And i agree with her after giving it some consideration.  And then i read an article on the newsletter.

By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter, choosing rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin.
–Hebrews 11:24-25

It breaks my heart when I see young people who were raised in the Church decide to search for something else. It’s always sad when they think they have missed something by being in a home with conservative Christian convictions and values.

The truth is they find out they haven’t missed anything???except a lot of heartache and trouble.

The Bible forthrightly acknowledges that there may be a “fleeting” pleasure to sin. But that’s the problem???the fun wears off very quickly, and all that’s left is the pain and regret of sinful choices.

But because sin does seem to offer pleasure, it takes strong convictions and rock-solid values to live for Christ. Moses had those convictions, so he chose to follow the Lord even though, as the son of Pharaoh, he could have had all the pleasures that the world had to offer.

But notice that Moses’ decision to live for God involved a willingness to be mistreated. There’s a lesson here for us: there is no shortcut or quick fix when it comes to living a Christ-like life.

Holding to your convictions is not always the easy choice, even though it is always the right choice.

When you try to hold on to the world and to Christ at the same time, you’ll get the worst of both worlds and the best of none. Being true to Christ is a decision you have to make every day. My prayer is that it will be the decision you make!


And i wonder have i made the decision to follow and live for Christ? I feel I have not been living up to His standard and fallen so short of what’s required. Will I have the courage to live for Christ or will i give in to the demands and lures of this world?

Why i prefer to be a nobody

27 04 2007

The sayings go “When you are famous, everyone want a piece of you.” is true for people who have a high profile. The mistakes get amplified, and problems will stack so high and sometimes it requires an equal amount of character to match that expectation.

I prefer to be a nobody, i prefer to be alone, i prefer to mind my own business and get on with life on my own because i wouldn’t be a target, nor the burden of responsibilities for other people. When i was in the officer’s school, was taught this concept of the “Burden of Command” that when we are placed into the roles of leadership, we carried the burden of responsibilities not just the power, it is that burden that we respect and carry out duties out well, and that’s what we get our soldiers alive through war and tough times.

I am a nobody, and i prefer to remain it that way. I see nothing good can come out of me.

Modernistic look at religion vs Atheism.

25 04 2007

There are a sharp increase in world views on God and spiritual things through the eyes of an atheist. Atheism is on the move. Just because they can’t see God or see faith, it means it doesn’t exist, but the same principle in reasoning fails to sustain itself when it is applied to gravity, or even the air we breathe. The truth is we ‘see’ the effects of gravity, or the uses of air that keeps us alive, nevertheless, the effects of God’s existence is denied without any serious intellectual thoughts given to it, or even when evidences that compel them to make a reasonable deduction, it is soon to be dismissed. Why?

The spiritual blindness will increase in the end days, that includes those who are fallen, and are disobedient. How can we see God unless God himself choose to reveal Himself? Until someone switch the light on, we are in darkness, unable to find our ways around. Atheism is like a blind man in a dark room, finding meaning to his existence, deny the existence of light and the denial of his own environment. How can one punch some light into an atheist? We can’t, unless God do that work. Jesus had to blind Saul so he can be Paul, to see through the eyes of faith, that there is a God and His Name is Jesus

Throughout the ages, intellectual tries to explain Jesus, tho we had great teachers like Apostle Paul, Origen, Jerome and many but the essence of faith is not a product of intellectual pursuit, this the Atheist and the Skeptics had failed to come to terms, it is a revelation that a child can understand. The scientific laws can attest to the fallen world, but does not explain where it will go or lead us, and yet, more people rather trust in Science than the Truth.

The pursuit of Truth is not a sprint, but a marathon, in which the finishing line might be when i stand before the Great White Throne of God when He said, “well done, good and faithful servant” that’s my desire. That my desire is to impart that to those around me. Atheism is a lie, a lie that we want to believe that we can lead and command our own destinies, but when trouble comes, atheism is not the answer

I am lost

23 04 2007

I had a dream. I was walking in the desert and the sky’s burning with various shades of red and orange, and i can feel the scorching heat on my face but it did not burn me up, in fact i feel a cooling sensation. The sand is shifting in the desert wind as if like water, and i am climbing a small hill, with every step i took, i slide down the side of the hill as if trying to climb a hill of gravel stones. My hands’ bruised and bleeding but i don’t feel the pain, maybe perhaps i do not feel anything at all. The harder i tried to climb, the faster i descend. I am losing hope, every bit of my energy spent despite courageous effort to stand up and try again, i have no more to give. Looking back, i saw the many pits and failures, and i dare not look what’s beyond the hill. Is it a cross that stands there or another hill or just another valley of hopelessness. I clamored for the darkness to come, and surround me like a blanket. It might not be warm but at least i know where i can at least find some rest. Enough of another prep talk of another garden of sunshine and lilies. It will only remain as a dream. I’ve never felt more alone than now. Oh scary and cold is loneliness, where every tear is like froze burning on my hot face.