Friends

Friendship and its meaning has changed over the years for myself. I have lost some true friends and have made quite a number of acquaintances. Along the way too friendship is broken down with good friends and mostly insignificant ones and another category appears when I came unwillingly into the marketplace.

If I were to be asked if I have any friends I would probably say no. Not that I am a hermit but perhaps I have had friendship which I wish I had kept and protected but I did not. When comes to friendship I must admit among many other things a total failure. What would I look for in a friendship beside the kindred spirit?

I looked at myself most of all that how can anyone want me to be their friend?seriously I am mean and I mean it I am a mean bastard that selfishness i realized one of the strongest trait I have with regards to friendship. I think it is giving selflessly that truly defines friendship, and I have none of it. Can I give selflessly? Sure I am capable of but I measure who is worthy of my selfless act! Ya that is pure selfishness. Mercy often said I am and I casually remarked that I sell prawns and crabs too.

I wonder why am I the way I am. No I am not attempting to be philosophical but i am so sick of life. Life of meeting repayment of financial obligations and debt, working to earn a miserable and meagre pay and I wish I am heathier like running on a marathon, swim daily, kick the ball and to do so without breaking out a migraine and I think life has taken out a chunk of joy and I absolutely hate it. Now I am merely a computer football player or I can only dream of taking beautiful picture and travel the world with mercy and even to see the need of the orphans and widows and lamenting about it. It is such position now I hate and I think such attitude to life affects directly to how I view friendship. No friendship is worth the keep especially when there is so much shit in life and I do not need more shit in building or investing into other people other than keeping my life out of the stupid mess I am already in.

Wha is wrong with me? I need a radical change of heart to look at lives and people of what matters more to Jesus. I need to wiper to clear the clutter of my eyes and heart to see what matters more eternally. Friendship being one of them. Now in the midst of planning for my wedding I do not actually intend to invite any friends except those on mercy’s side. I do not intend to have a best man and I think I relished the quiet solitude in life that I love the clutter free circle of acquaintances.

See being nice to others always held some form of expectation. When they don’t meet up to the expectation they drop dangerously below the standard. I remember who had been kind to me and who didn’t and it is a heavy burden on this friendship business that i very much prefer to drop it off at the top of the dusty shelf that says storeroom and of no noble consequences.