Prayer to God today

31 07 2009

I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.

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Valerie Oon’s Testimony

29 07 2009

Note: This is Valerie Oon’s testimony which i find it extremely encouraging and i want to repost the article here with her permission. This is the link to her post -> http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=110120839014&ref=nf

God bless
Daniel

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Again, read this in entirety or not at all. Atheists, unleash your skepticism (:
And I hope this will encourage the people running after God.

Walking home, I had debated in my head the wisdom of publishing this post. And if I’m honest, the only reasons stopping me are fear and shame. Fear of judgment and sadly, ashamed of God. I’ve been an atheist a good part of my thinking life and consequently, I know a good many people who stand on the same camp. People who, as I had been, would seriously question the sanity and intellect of theists. This is no joke for me. I’ve been wrestling with notions of my potential dementia or stupidity.

For months now, I’ve been struggling to come to terms with the concept of a loving God, our Creator, His omniproperties and His supernatural ability. My faith in Christianity has been, hitherto, experimental. In fact, oh my God, I’ve just remembered that now would be about time my timeline expired. Wow, great timing, God. So, in my hunger for The Truth and partly because of a personal ‘immersive’ side project to ‘field research’ for a module I was taking last semester (PH2211 Philosophy of Religion), I joined The Outreach and was soon convinced by Daniel to challenge the existence of God by means of an experimental faith that will span 6 months. And let me tell you, I had been fully prepared to walk away smugly in 6 months, all equipped with robust academic reasons against the existence of this being. Unfortunately for my conceit, He triumphed. Kind of. But in return, He is giving (has given and will give) me so much more.

My experimental journey with the Creator began with a tearfully uttered sinner’s prayer at CKRM, a church that move(d) in the power of the Holy Spirit, the second (?) time I visited. Why tearfully? I don’t know what came over me, I attribute it to fatigue (don’t wanna be presumptuous yet). That day was business as usual for the ‘crazy church’ (yes, that’s what I called it), manifestations all over the place that sent me to fits of hilarity. I have to admit that part of the reason I bothered spending my Saturday over there was the entertain I got in return. The presence of God in that place, apparently, was so strong that people drop like flies under the Spirit all throughout the preaching. Not only that, people laugh and run around the place, roar and tremble and all that stuff. I don’t even hear half the things the pastor says. (You people are so thinking we’re loonies.) That day, AGAIN, one of the pastors called me up to pray (with the intention of causing my manifestation-unsuccessfully). By the way, Dick is scared to death of that place because of that. Sorry your secret is out, dear. This time I was really scared because Dick had just fallen under the Spirit right before my eyes. I was totally NOT laughing anymore because I know him and I know he wouldn’t fake something like that. It was either delusion or the presence is real. So by that time, I was bawling my eyes out worrying for him. And honestly, I was half prepared to flee from this cult parade. Ok because I had been crying at the time, this part is a bit blurry. I can’t remember what the pastor was praying but she made me cry even harder, in a not-so-bad way, with me all the time trying my utmost best to stand on my wobbly feet and finally surrendering my full weight on Janice. Then I just felt, I don’t know, like, ready. I felt ready to get to know this God and see if He works out for me. So that was it–my first step, with Daniel and Janice and Dick holding my hands.

The past few months had me catapulting from vibrant belief to stubborn unbelief, desperate longing to incredulous disdain. Midway through this journey, I realized that no academic grounding can keep my faith until I experience the full glory of His word fulfilled for me. I completed that philosophy module defeated in my search for Truth because philosophy did nothing for me except give me false excitement only to take it away with each counter-argument and counter-counter-argument. And in the end, it left me with an inconclusive conclusion that made me wildly ravenous for a transcendental understanding of this world.

I began praying to God for a revelation. For such a spectacular revelation of His existence that I would have to be stupid to deny it. For such an intimate display that would only make sense to me and me alone and in that instant, strengthen my faith in Him so that I can never be the same again. For my own story to tell. A proof of Him so strong that my testimony can bring glory to Him through its impartation to disbelievers because I had been one of them. I don’t want a subpar understanding, I don’t want a subpar faith. I don’t want signs that I can rationalize to shreds of useless paper. I don’t want a squeak. I want to shout it out. I want the best or nothing at all. And if He was so great, I want to see Him do that.

Today, He finally moved a muscle. Today is the beginning of my never-be-the-same-again.

Today started out bad for me. In fact, it had started being bad since about that day I clubbed. God must be finally doing something about my social smoking. (Yep, secret’s out, not everyone knows that.) Long story short, I felt like crap after that day. In fact, on my way home at 4 a.m., I felt so remorseful I went to sit at the park and prayed for God to keep my bearings. Mostly, I also felt guilty towards Dick for dishonoring God. Weird how my brain works. That was Saturday. And then I couldn’t get my lazy ass to run. So I’m in desperate want of endorphin and I just felt ready to blow my top at some poor guy (namely, Dick). He really doesn’t deserve that so I prayed before leaving the house that God will bless the poor guy and bless me with some joy until I get my runner’s high.

We have theology classes by Chris the Genius, B.A. Theology, in Daniel’s house every Tuesday and today’s lesson on the apocalyptic worldviews of the Israelites pre-birth of Jesus -??- did nothing for me. But after class, I was fixated with Daniel’s gossip sharing with Dick and somehow the conversation evolved to him telling me about manifestations and testimonies of people who only experience it after years of desiring it. I began tearing and holding back tears. Specifically at the time Daniel mentioned his experience when he prayed for the Spirit to come and be his friend, stretching his hand out, it happened. It swept over him. Couldn’t complete his sentence, reduced to fits of giggles. And then I started sobbing, full force, like someone died. Ok I may be emotional but I don’t quite SOB at nothing. How do I explain what I felt at the time? Just…moved. Profoundly touched by some unnamed event or feeling or something. An opening in my heart. We joined hands in prayer and I just…felt. I felt that God…is. He exists. Period. You can have a bunch of academics postulating until the cow comes home and not reach a satisfactory conclusion but I tell you, this feeling. It’s like “Shut up, I am here. See? You can quit speculating.” I have NEVER felt like that in my life. Doubt consumes me. Doubt is me. But at that moment, all my heart and mind were in complete agreement to a fact that just happened. Wow. And I was uplifted.

Call me delusional. Then again, I wouldn’t even say this is a full revelation from God. He knows it’s not enough for me. It’s just a stir from Him. Something to keep me going, or just to cheer me up, or maybe He’s just being kind to Dick. I still have my doubts but now, I have no doubt that He will make Himself real to me… IF He really exists.





Despair

27 07 2009

despair

The job that could spell a breakthrough in my finances woe is but gone, and when the news came, i am quick to blame it on their arrogance but I am so wrong. Perhaps i am not good enough for the job offer after all project management is not my strength and i am left rueing in hurt like a whimpy pup.

Maybe when Pastor Judah Smithis right that most of the time we expect miracle to come from a particular avenue and in this case, i expected a breakthrough of a good job but God might be doing a curve ball to surprise me. I am telling myself again and again that I can trust in my Father although I am doubting if this is a repetition to make myself believer sort of like brainwashing myself without the essence of a real faith?

I am getting tired of this burden where i can’t afford to see a doc, pay for my mum’s medical bill, or even take my grandmother to a doc for her arm, and for Mercy’s bills. I feel downright useless and worthless. What am id oing with earning this meagre amount of money and in a debt i can’t do anything about it. I hate my life and my frustration of the situation, and i wish i can just not do anything and let someone or even let God handle it cos i feel my inner tank of will and drive is drying up and left empty.  How I wish i know at least a process of how to come to Jesus so i can find rest. How? How? How?





Pastor Judah Smith at New Creation

27 07 2009

Dating Delilah

Oh, taste and see! The message from Pastor Judah Smith at the pulpit of New Creation Church resounded with lots of humour but at the same time, drove the message of a new covenant that God intended to have with His children – us, the Church.

By mere observation of Christianity and Jesus, is but a total misrepresentation that God has never intended us to have. It is not theology, not any form of scholastic work on biblical doctrines and history that can reveal the heart of Jesus. He has invited us, and me to a feast, a feast that we need to taste His flesh, and drink of His Blood for by it, we do not have eternal life. Not that i am being gross and disgusting here, but looking at it, how can we taste that our Lord is good indeed, that His Grace and His mercy, and His Faithfulness is real everyday! Just like, we cannot describe how the durian taste like, unless i bring it to the friend to try, then, yea either you will hate it or love the taste of the creamy durian. It is today, i know i will to taste Him everyday. Yummy.





The invisible line

24 07 2009

In life, there are always standards, usually set by people around, and the worst standards unfortunately are the one set by ourselves. Why it is the worst, because it is either higher than what we can achieve, or the lack of it simply shows the cruelty of it all. I have in the last few days realized a few such lines were drawn, by people around me and those i have set unknowingly. Maybe such is true when a comment is made on my character, the lack of integrity, and then, perhaps to the area of my approach to work, i find myself not giving my best. I have decided to leave all what i have done in my work behind and hopefully find a place where at this time, i feel is the time for the change. After giving a year or so to the company, where the lesson is learnt, and time to move on, should be given due consideration that i cannot afford to indulge in a dream i feel is gradually becoming impossible to see. While owning a business is a considered by many, fortunated and blessed, to me, it is a drag. I am not called to be a boss perhaps, and because of this childish dream i have let my family down, let myself down and i am beginning to think the person closest to me, won’t bothered to understand. I hope to take a breather, to go to somewhere even might not be physical distance, i hope to get away from everything, everyone and be myself, where i will not hear people’s nag, or comments made about me, or anything, i just wish for the silence of the jungle, the sound of my own breathing, the thrinkles of raindrops splashing on the glasses, and to take a deep breathe, and feel the world that is bigger than my problems. How i wish that, and knowing my God, my Father in heaven longs to show His love through this time, there is but a quiet comfort, a silent joy.





Change

23 07 2009

Change is inevitable, but the path to it can be either by our own choice or relunctantly forced upon us. Never before was I being laid bare the truly ugly side in my heart, for it is right to say there is nothing more wicked than the heart of man. I find myself standing in trial of my selfish and perhaps sinister thoughts. The initial delight in putting someone down for my own glory is intoxicating, if not for the work of the holy spirit, i would have not realized the potent poison brewing in my heart that threatens the sanctity of my soul. Tot ell my father i am sorry and to thank him for the constant reminder that i need not be a slave to the harsh laws of my fallen nature but now i can choose to obey wholeheartedly, the law of love which is above all, reign supremely.





The morning journey

22 07 2009

rainy-day

The sound of heavenly orchestral on a steady and constant beat accompanied my excruciatingly painful and torturous journey to work. It is not just about the inner struggle to find equilibrium to life and its purpose, but the nagging pain which oftens run into nauseous migraine. Nevertheless the ride is interrupted by the earlier conversation on expectation and it troubles my heart so. My incompetence in life is often marked by the big obnoxious F word in bright red, and it presence lingers at the edge of my constant attention. In every areas with how the world judge by its frivilous standards, i have been found wanting. No one is perfect is perhaps the most universally accepted conclusion and reality that almost seems to be the ironically, the most perfect excuse for mankind.My thought was interrupted by a sudden bout of strange burts of sneezes that i found quite amusing, after all, no one is perfect, and the perfect start to the day – a cool rainy morning.