Fracture of Faith

29 09 2009

I did not know it would be that hard although i know it wouldn’t be bed of roses either. How long more O God, i plead silently within me as i stood waiting for the bus. Enveloped by a blanket of heat not from the weather but from the situation where there is such a shortage in my own life, in the lives of my family, and in Mercy’s, to the point, I felt a total helplessness that i wonder if there is any point praying because praying seems to be quite a useless and ineffective act of fake piety. Father, how long more? How long more will there be a restoration? Father I have enough, and i wish i can freely expressed my anger out and shout it. What can I do now? When my enemies pressed in every side, that I began to shrink to despair. It seems faith at this point, doesn’t make any intellectual sense anymore and it seems a mystical and almost elusive thing i can’t touch nor understand. Throw out theology, throw out testimonies of how God has blessed this or that, throw out the great miracles, and that I only long for a small miracle in my life. There now the church is ‘screaming’ out prayers, i feel so distant from God and whatever is binding them together screaming which doesn’t make sense to me. Lord, i want to go numbed and give up despite what people would say especially Mercy. I do not know if i am ever the right person to give her the demands and comfort she wanted in life. No cars, no money, no allowance, nothing of the sort i can provide, i fade in comparison to her ‘father’ or her ex boyfriends. WHY GOD.


Sudden Craves

28 09 2009

While I am waiting here for Mercy to get off work, i read on the facebook about a friend’s craving for steamboat, and yes there i am, have a sudden craving for steamboat too, and just a few minutes ago, i was reading an article about how a woman in poverty was told to love God at where she is. Have I lacked the spiritual craving for God and all things spiritual? I have delayed fasting, and I was supposed to be fasting today but i failed, and i thank God i am not strucked dead. Geez am i influenced by the New Creation Church’s message of Grace? No, i am influenced by what the Holy Spirit has taught me for the last few months about God’s Grace that triumphs over Judgement.

Lord, let me dwelled in your presence forever, even in my tough time, and good time, and that in every minute, even through my sleep, rest, work, gaming time, and feasting time, that I will continue to crave for the spiritual nourishment daily, that i will not go about a day without praising You O Father, that i will appear an ungrateful son. Let me know all good things will work for the good for those who loves you, even though things might not go well because of my stupidity and stubbornness, the when i lacked the strength to face up to the consequences, that You will be with me, and I can believe in You to lead me to where You want me to be. In that I shall rest beside rivers of peace, and be comforted as a lamb to its shepherd.

Let me crave more and more of you each day, for thy potion You will cause my heart to hunger and that I will continue to be transformed. I thank You God, that you allow my heart to be still and see you are doing most of the work, even though it hurts occasionally where no answers to my questions why this or that must happen, that You O Father continues to be beside me, because you are true to your promise, you will not leave me nor forsake me till the end of Age.

Journey of a Christian walk

25 09 2009

At every juncture of this well-worn path of Christian journey, i saw the dust imprinted footprint leading up, to a distant hill, i wonder how long more will it take to get to the top. Occasionally the half way stop seems not a bad place to stay put and slowly the urge of just vegetating at the spot seems too tempting. It is until God decides to nudge me along with trials and tribulation, that i began to understand that there is a destiny that He wants me to reach. To be like Christ, has began to sound like a mantra that none of us can identify, perhaps it is not meant for us to know what it is like to be like Christ, but just be patient as the Master Potter does his job. There is a quiet assurance that all is required of me, is a teachable and humble spirit, and open to the Master’s fine touches as the Holy Spirit performs the surgery within. Once the inside is fixed, the external will be affected.

Unsocial blog

24 09 2009

I looked at my blog with quite a number of comments to approve shows a social absence from my part, even so more on the lesser activities on my facebook and Twitter. I felt that this period of social absence is good and as one season requires and often a neccessary transition to another season. Such the evidence of a much varied and difference in the characteristics which I feel must take place in due course, now in as in my life.

An unfortunate turn of events among the dealings of christian friends at work reminded myself of a flaw I have so often turned a blind eye too. From sheer evaluation from my attitude and behaviour, I felt keenly God’s subtle dealings that I am brought to confront such a monster in me. A stronger sense of a true authentic Christian life must be exemplified by an outward expression of a life of integrity. In my opinion I had failed not because there is no attempt but I choose to ignore the inward working of the holy spirit in my life. I cannot now turn a blind eye to my indifference in my attitude and it is no longer an excuse for the circumstances in life.

On my way to work this morning as I was listening to hillsongs worship, it came to me with a gentle revelation from the holy spirit about worship, it is an important weapon God has given the church and his people in the warfare against the wicked spiritual realm. There was such a drastic change in the emotions as it was brought from a chaotic and worrying state to under the proper place in the lordship of Christ. There the result ensures a period of peace I have miss for a long time. Whatever happens and has happened doesn’t matter and under the its proper place under God’s lordship.

Oh I am such an incomplete and flawed person and that in all my failings I am confronted and overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness and of course a sense of assurance only guaranteed through his grace and mercy in my life. I am truly nothing with God and in Christ I am truly more than conquerors.