Fracture of Faith

29 09 2009

I did not know it would be that hard although i know it wouldn’t be bed of roses either. How long more O God, i plead silently within me as i stood waiting for the bus. Enveloped by a blanket of heat not from the weather but from the situation where there is such a shortage in my own life, in the lives of my family, and in Mercy’s, to the point, I felt a total helplessness that i wonder if there is any point praying because praying seems to be quite a useless and ineffective act of fake piety. Father, how long more? How long more will there be a restoration? Father I have enough, and i wish i can freely expressed my anger out and shout it. What can I do now? When my enemies pressed in every side, that I began to shrink to despair. It seems faith at this point, doesn’t make any intellectual sense anymore and it seems a mystical and almost elusive thing i can’t touch nor understand. Throw out theology, throw out testimonies of how God has blessed this or that, throw out the great miracles, and that I only long for a small miracle in my life. There now the church is ‘screaming’ out prayers, i feel so distant from God and whatever is binding them together screaming which doesn’t make sense to me. Lord, i want to go numbed and give up despite what people would say especially Mercy. I do not know if i am ever the right person to give her the demands and comfort she wanted in life. No cars, no money, no allowance, nothing of the sort i can provide, i fade in comparison to her ‘father’ or her ex boyfriends. WHY GOD.

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