I am lost

23 04 2007

I had a dream. I was walking in the desert and the sky’s burning with various shades of red and orange, and i can feel the scorching heat on my face but it did not burn me up, in fact i feel a cooling sensation. The sand is shifting in the desert wind as if like water, and i am climbing a small hill, with every step i took, i slide down the side of the hill as if trying to climb a hill of gravel stones. My hands’ bruised and bleeding but i don’t feel the pain, maybe perhaps i do not feel anything at all. The harder i tried to climb, the faster i descend. I am losing hope, every bit of my energy spent despite courageous effort to stand up and try again, i have no more to give. Looking back, i saw the many pits and failures, and i dare not look what’s beyond the hill. Is it a cross that stands there or another hill or just another valley of hopelessness. I clamored for the darkness to come, and surround me like a blanket. It might not be warm but at least i know where i can at least find some rest. Enough of another prep talk of another garden of sunshine and lilies. It will only remain as a dream. I’ve never felt more alone than now. Oh scary and cold is loneliness, where every tear is like froze burning on my hot face.

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