Free Will?

13 03 2009

Sitting at the airport on my way to Hong Kong, i am thinking back to the incident which we were debating on the issue of Free Will. Perhaps in my crisis of faith, i began to deconstruct faith and what it really mean for me. Are we all unwilling accomplice to the grand conspiracy of which the argument that God’s sovereign will play out eventually with or without our conscious participation.

Two incidents which i am beginning to slice open my own faith were the Pharoah, and Judas. Two examples in how God actively has hardened Pharoah’s heart so his judgment will be released on Egypt, and second, Judas was set to betray Christ, with or without free will, he is set to do just that, which is necessary for God’s will to be carried out. I reflected on myself, then, what is the meaning of my faith, absolutely meaningless and now it seems like it is a cosmic joke. I asked myself, am i a Christian, or have I been lying to myself about a faith that now seems defragmented and i am left with the demise of my spiritual consciousness and be borned into a prison of emptiness.

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One response

14 03 2009
ku-ryan

Dear Daniel-

I too have struggled with this very same dilemma, why bother exerting one’s self when those very efforts will have no effect on the end result…Looking back at those times where I was wrestling with this conclusion were honestly some of the most depressing moments of my life.

I wasted several years in this state finding many less than positive ways to dull the pain in an attempt to fill the emptiness… meaningless and hedonistic actions became my addiction – I’m sure very similar to how addicts use their drugs of choice. Although this lifestyle did help me to keep other things on my mind ahead of these horrible feelings of doubt and worthlessness, it was impossible for me to completely forget them.

I can still remember the very moment where I turned the final page on this chapter in my life. For what seemed to be the tenth time, a cataclysmic series of events had swept away everything that I had measured as personal progress. Walking to the train on the way to a dead end job that morning, I chanted a prayer over and over to “help me to find the meaning and help me to understand the purpose.”

No longer than a day or two later, I had this compelling feeling to read The New Testament; so I went to the bookstore on my lunch break and bought a pocket bible with my lunch money. Instead of eating I began reading again the pages I had grown up with as a child, only this time the words consoled me and gave me a feeling of relief I had not felt in years.

In the days to come I began finding ways to apply the teachings I was re-reading into a new way of life – getting an unprecedented sense of empowerment by bestowing the unrelenting graciousness and never ending love to all those I came into contact with.

I have become to know two life choices, God’s way and every other way. There is no other way for me than God’s way. It doesn’t matter to me anymore where I fit in or what part I’m destined to fill in God’s plan. I will spend the rest of my days dedicating myself to living by the teachings of Jesus Christ and will trust in God to figure out the rest.

I combat brief periods of sadness that come from witnessing evil by contributing my actions toward good. Although I have not been tempted to move mountains with the many grains of faith I now possess, the actions I do make with my faith are based on the fundamentals of our Lord giving me an infinite amount of spiritual gratification and that’s the best feeling in the world!

God loves you, unconditionally Daniel – don’t ever forget that!

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