A frustrating pain

7 06 2007

It’s almost a week to being alone and taking care of the house, vodka and all, and at the same time, to gather whatever sanity I’ve left to consider the possibility of quiting my current job and take up a contract job which pays abit more for working 3 days a week, and at the same time finding that extra money to meet the bills for the month, and to hear Mercy talked about how we’ve never talked or communicate, and that she now cannot seems to tell me her struggles, and life is all about meeting ends meet, without really sharing a life. Is that what life has become, sheer mediocrity?

I have to struggle to do two other projects and at the same time, my work in office; not forgetting coming back to try calculate bits and pieces so i can make payment for commitment i shouldn’t have gotten myself in. I am exhausted, i am about to give up, i am struggling every day to live the day, and i am slowly finding less reasons every day to smile, and to find living worth anything anymore.

I find life’s totally meaningless to the point, the daily grind of life has numbed me to the possibility of any divine purpose in life. I must admit, my faith has grown cold from the Amos’ debacle, and old from having found myself hanging on to a faith now seems so strange. I do not want to treat people from church as family, nor do i really see myself fitting into a church sort of group. I do not wish to be a hypocrite to pretend i like them, and not that i find sermons boring, but its words seems powerless, too shallow that i cannot be shaken to the power of conviction which i ought to when being confronted, instead, i think my own talk in the brain brought more conviction than a sermon which did not even touch the bible, nor expound from the Scriptures! I am appalled by such that i wonder where is my faith going.

Life is surely a journey, by which i wonder where i am, perhaps listening to advice, listening to people telling me what i should do and what i should not, or putting me on a guilt trip, like hullo, am i a cold hearted rock that i do not know what is the right thing to do or should i be subjected to constant reminder and nagging that i ought to do this or that? Why did i commit myself to a decision that i am struggling to honour?

Despite the many so called divine coincidences when i read about CHEER UP when you are in trial etc etc from James 1, as if i do not know, maybe my heart should have heeded that encouragement, but question remains, how long more? I am sick and tired of this life, a mediocre life, a mediocre existence of a man who dream of the stars, but now i can only wallow in pitiful mud. Once in the show “The Princess diary” when the late father through a letter to her daughter, wrote, and i remember, The Courage lives and surely maybe they will be embarrassed, having set backs etc, and the cautious will probably never go through that but they have never live at all. I was thinking that i should take a step out and do this and that, despite the very fear of losing the security blanket – my job which offers at least a minimum amount of pay every month. Am i relying on this job as my security, or is God trying to tell me i should depend on Him? I am afraid and i mean WHO ISN’T?

Seeing how Mercy suffers being with me make me wonder, by being with me a mediocre person, has ever brought any blessings to her except that we have to worry about meeting ends meet every month, to find that extra dollar. That now she can’t go for her shopping to buy the thing she wants, or go for her sushi buffet, or watch a movie as and when she wants, or to go for a short trip when her best friends flaunted about trips to Hong Kong or Bintan etc, or to be adventurous to go explore town etc that i cannot provide all that now, and seriously i am beginning to wonder if God did make a mistake in me. Before i take a dip into the puddle of mud, (oh is that a song or a band?), i secretly wish i can just disappear, or everything there is a ‘restart’ button, or there is a reset when the game over sign appears, for i fear, my life’s very much a game over, for once my faith is too old, too cold, too calloused to even think God is interested in me, or worse, that i ever believe God exist or is He just a figment of my wishful imagination? Can someone give me an answer, or better still, let me know what i should do. Ah finally an appropriate word, more than apt, to describe my mediocre life – LOST in the moment of space and time.

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2 responses

11 06 2007
Mercy

Hi sweetheart, was reading your blog and just wanna say I am not suffering with you !! alamak ! haiyo, and c’mon I just went to Hawaii and came back and life is great. Despite all the tough notches and whimps that I give out in my girly outbursts of frustrations hey things still are good aint it ? so how bout thanking Daddy God for never letting us go hungry and for all the things with have and PRAISE HIM !!!! I love u : )

11 06 2007
ku-ryan

God has given us dominion over our lives and many times we wind up making quite a mess out of it.

There is also a catch to having this power – the positive of having that freedom is balanced by the weight of the outcome in those choices.

God would be doing us a great disservice by dictating every step of our lives. Instead, we are provided with the ability to gain the experience and knowledge required to stand on our own. What infant has not misspoken when trying to communicate, what babe has not fallen while learning to walk, what adolescent has not been injured when learning to ride a bike, what teenager has not been wounded by bad relationships, what adult has not been the victim of the ill deeds of others….

As we grow older the trials become more significant while equally the magnetitude and importance also increase. Life’s journey is a long and hard road, but God is with us every step of the way. He will be there for us when we open our hearts to him and pledge to follow in his footsteps.

You have the God given strength within you to fix whatever is wrong – fill your mind, body and soul with his Love and that will point you in the right direction every time guaranteed!!!

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