18 10 2006

I am desperate Lord, not for anything but for your grace and your strength, that i might know how i can come into your refuge and rest. I do not know, or is it i am too far from thy favour and grace that i do not know what’s it to be in your rest? My life and heart have been in strife with things of this world, i am being strangled by its cares, Lord do i need to be like the ascetic in order to cut away the cords of this rat race? What’s it about this that yet we profess it to be nothing, yet it could mean the world of difference? i am perplexed, and i desperately need God’s grace and mercy, and i want to run, run away from this world, from everyone, from my cares and woes, from my responsibilities, duties, and obligations and i am tired of being a warrior, i rather be a poet or maybe in no better word, a slacker. Perhaps the cost is too high Lord to be your follower, that it cost me everything for i do not yet know what’s everything. Lord, i want a release, take me away, bring me home or leave me to the fiery depth of hell, any place is better than this world. I wish i can scream, but i can’t, i wish i can pour it out, but i can’t because there is no one there. Who can i say he or she understands, who will lend me support for i shall find none. Truly this life as a christian and a pilgrim is a lonely road and i am resign to walking it alone.




3 responses

19 10 2006


When I was in high school (now more than 30 years ago) I played on the varsity basketball team. You may find this hard to believe, but my high school class totaled 17 people. Of this number 12 of us started first grade together. We were more like family that schoolmates. Being in a small school that was located in one of the most sparsely populated areas of the United States, is what made it possible for a 5’8″ kid to make the team.

On one occasion we were playing the team that eventually won the state championship. They were very good, but we were giving them a challenge. Because I was exceptionally swift of foot, I was all over the court. On two separate occasions our opponents brought the ball to their court only to have me rush from the baseline and intercept a pass between two of their guards. I drove the length of the court for a lay up. I missed both times! Our opponents got the rebounds both times and calmly made their way back to their court.

This happened twice. When the opposing team was bringing the ball up court, the man I was guarding, who was about my height and almost as fast as me grabbed my jersey and caught my eye. I’m sure I looked shocked. I couldn’t figure out what he was doing. He said something that I didn’t understand, so I asked him to repeat it. He let go of my jersey and looked me square in the eyes and said, “You’re trying too hard. Let the game come to you. No one can stop you if you will play under control. If you don’t, you are your own worst enemy.”

Could it be that you are trying too hard, my friend? I’m so far away that I really can’t even begin for an opinion about your circumstances. But, what I’m reading here makes me wonder if you are. Please give this some thought. Let me know what you think, okay?


24 10 2006

Hey, Daniel! You disappeared. Are you okay? -bill

24 10 2006

Hi Bill, thanks i am still around, except been busy with my work as i started my own company and kinda running into some financial stack, which i pray God will provide a way out.

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