Guard thy heart

Not just against all manners of fleshly lust but against invisible human menaces such as pride, jealousy, hatred, selfishness and self condemnation. Too often have we associate the command to guard our hearts and have never considered its essence. True christianity lies in its application first on the condition of our spirit and soul and then physical for what transpires in the making and moulding of our soul must result in a physical change. The changing of our heart must result in a selfless act of considering others better than ourselves to a total surrender to the almighty God. It is a process as delicate as the hands of the surgeon and we can place our trust in him who is the master potter. Let the process of guarding our heart, conditioning of our mind and the changing process of our mind and heart begin so we can till one day be truly like Christ.

Kindness

I saw as the woman struggled to get down the bus with her big computer that is tied to trolley, no one offered her any assistance including me. But it was a foreign worker that came forward to lend a helping hand. How many times have we failed to lend any help to someone in need? I am as guilty as charged! Nevertheless after the foreign worker came forward to help her, she did not bother to express any thanks to him and just reflect the flaws of the society we are just so graceless.

Innocence

I saw two young girls at the bus stop sharing a garlic bread and looking at them reminded me so much of the innocence we have lost in the process of growing up. Today it seems climbing the corporate ladder, or the pursuit of money and financial gain or the cares of life have all taken the innocence away and it is a tragic loss. The implications are far and wide and deep in the very depth of our lives and in how we see the world and how we treat each other.

Friends

Friendship and its meaning has changed over the years for myself. I have lost some true friends and have made quite a number of acquaintances. Along the way too friendship is broken down with good friends and mostly insignificant ones and another category appears when I came unwillingly into the marketplace.

If I were to be asked if I have any friends I would probably say no. Not that I am a hermit but perhaps I have had friendship which I wish I had kept and protected but I did not. When comes to friendship I must admit among many other things a total failure. What would I look for in a friendship beside the kindred spirit?

I looked at myself most of all that how can anyone want me to be their friend?seriously I am mean and I mean it I am a mean bastard that selfishness i realized one of the strongest trait I have with regards to friendship. I think it is giving selflessly that truly defines friendship, and I have none of it. Can I give selflessly? Sure I am capable of but I measure who is worthy of my selfless act! Ya that is pure selfishness. Mercy often said I am and I casually remarked that I sell prawns and crabs too.

I wonder why am I the way I am. No I am not attempting to be philosophical but i am so sick of life. Life of meeting repayment of financial obligations and debt, working to earn a miserable and meagre pay and I wish I am heathier like running on a marathon, swim daily, kick the ball and to do so without breaking out a migraine and I think life has taken out a chunk of joy and I absolutely hate it. Now I am merely a computer football player or I can only dream of taking beautiful picture and travel the world with mercy and even to see the need of the orphans and widows and lamenting about it. It is such position now I hate and I think such attitude to life affects directly to how I view friendship. No friendship is worth the keep especially when there is so much shit in life and I do not need more shit in building or investing into other people other than keeping my life out of the stupid mess I am already in.

Wha is wrong with me? I need a radical change of heart to look at lives and people of what matters more to Jesus. I need to wiper to clear the clutter of my eyes and heart to see what matters more eternally. Friendship being one of them. Now in the midst of planning for my wedding I do not actually intend to invite any friends except those on mercy’s side. I do not intend to have a best man and I think I relished the quiet solitude in life that I love the clutter free circle of acquaintances.

See being nice to others always held some form of expectation. When they don’t meet up to the expectation they drop dangerously below the standard. I remember who had been kind to me and who didn’t and it is a heavy burden on this friendship business that i very much prefer to drop it off at the top of the dusty shelf that says storeroom and of no noble consequences.

Fracture of Faith

I did not know it would be that hard although i know it wouldn’t be bed of roses either. How long more O God, i plead silently within me as i stood waiting for the bus. Enveloped by a blanket of heat not from the weather but from the situation where there is such a shortage in my own life, in the lives of my family, and in Mercy’s, to the point, I felt a total helplessness that i wonder if there is any point praying because praying seems to be quite a useless and ineffective act of fake piety. Father, how long more? How long more will there be a restoration? Father I have enough, and i wish i can freely expressed my anger out and shout it. What can I do now? When my enemies pressed in every side, that I began to shrink to despair. It seems faith at this point, doesn’t make any intellectual sense anymore and it seems a mystical and almost elusive thing i can’t touch nor understand. Throw out theology, throw out testimonies of how God has blessed this or that, throw out the great miracles, and that I only long for a small miracle in my life. There now the church is ’screaming’ out prayers, i feel so distant from God and whatever is binding them together screaming which doesn’t make sense to me. Lord, i want to go numbed and give up despite what people would say especially Mercy. I do not know if i am ever the right person to give her the demands and comfort she wanted in life. No cars, no money, no allowance, nothing of the sort i can provide, i fade in comparison to her ‘father’ or her ex boyfriends. WHY GOD.

Sudden Craves

While I am waiting here for Mercy to get off work, i read on the facebook about a friend’s craving for steamboat, and yes there i am, have a sudden craving for steamboat too, and just a few minutes ago, i was reading an article about how a woman in poverty was told to love God at where she is. Have I lacked the spiritual craving for God and all things spiritual? I have delayed fasting, and I was supposed to be fasting today but i failed, and i thank God i am not strucked dead. Geez am i influenced by the New Creation Church’s message of Grace? No, i am influenced by what the Holy Spirit has taught me for the last few months about God’s Grace that triumphs over Judgement.

Lord, let me dwelled in your presence forever, even in my tough time, and good time, and that in every minute, even through my sleep, rest, work, gaming time, and feasting time, that I will continue to crave for the spiritual nourishment daily, that i will not go about a day without praising You O Father, that i will appear an ungrateful son. Let me know all good things will work for the good for those who loves you, even though things might not go well because of my stupidity and stubbornness, the when i lacked the strength to face up to the consequences, that You will be with me, and I can believe in You to lead me to where You want me to be. In that I shall rest beside rivers of peace, and be comforted as a lamb to its shepherd.

Let me crave more and more of you each day, for thy potion You will cause my heart to hunger and that I will continue to be transformed. I thank You God, that you allow my heart to be still and see you are doing most of the work, even though it hurts occasionally where no answers to my questions why this or that must happen, that You O Father continues to be beside me, because you are true to your promise, you will not leave me nor forsake me till the end of Age.

Journey of a Christian walk

At every juncture of this well-worn path of Christian journey, i saw the dust imprinted footprint leading up, to a distant hill, i wonder how long more will it take to get to the top. Occasionally the half way stop seems not a bad place to stay put and slowly the urge of just vegetating at the spot seems too tempting. It is until God decides to nudge me along with trials and tribulation, that i began to understand that there is a destiny that He wants me to reach. To be like Christ, has began to sound like a mantra that none of us can identify, perhaps it is not meant for us to know what it is like to be like Christ, but just be patient as the Master Potter does his job. There is a quiet assurance that all is required of me, is a teachable and humble spirit, and open to the Master’s fine touches as the Holy Spirit performs the surgery within. Once the inside is fixed, the external will be affected.

Unsocial blog

I looked at my blog with quite a number of comments to approve shows a social absence from my part, even so more on the lesser activities on my facebook and Twitter. I felt that this period of social absence is good and as one season requires and often a neccessary transition to another season. Such the evidence of a much varied and difference in the characteristics which I feel must take place in due course, now in as in my life.

An unfortunate turn of events among the dealings of christian friends at work reminded myself of a flaw I have so often turned a blind eye too. From sheer evaluation from my attitude and behaviour, I felt keenly God’s subtle dealings that I am brought to confront such a monster in me. A stronger sense of a true authentic Christian life must be exemplified by an outward expression of a life of integrity. In my opinion I had failed not because there is no attempt but I choose to ignore the inward working of the holy spirit in my life. I cannot now turn a blind eye to my indifference in my attitude and it is no longer an excuse for the circumstances in life.

On my way to work this morning as I was listening to hillsongs worship, it came to me with a gentle revelation from the holy spirit about worship, it is an important weapon God has given the church and his people in the warfare against the wicked spiritual realm. There was such a drastic change in the emotions as it was brought from a chaotic and worrying state to under the proper place in the lordship of Christ. There the result ensures a period of peace I have miss for a long time. Whatever happens and has happened doesn’t matter and under the its proper place under God’s lordship.

Oh I am such an incomplete and flawed person and that in all my failings I am confronted and overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness and of course a sense of assurance only guaranteed through his grace and mercy in my life. I am truly nothing with God and in Christ I am truly more than conquerors.

Beyond ourselves

WHOEVER BRINGS BLESSING WILL BE ENRICHED, AND
ONE WHO WATERS WILL HIMSELF BE WATERED. — P R O V E R B S 1 1 : 2 5

We are taught here the great lesson that to get, we must give; to accumulate, we must scatter; to make ourselves happy, we must make others happy; and in order to become spiritually vigorous, we must seek the spiritual good of others. In watering others, we are
ourselves watered. How? Our efforts to be useful bring out our powers for usefulness. We have latent talents and unused gifts that become apparent by exercise. Our strength for work is even hidden from ourselves until we take our stand and fight the Lord’s battles or
climb the mountains of difficulty. We do not know what tender sympathies we possess until we try to dry the widow’s tears and soothe the orphan’s grief. We often find in attempting to teach others that we gain instruction for ourselves. What gracious lessons some of us have learned in visiting the sick! We went to teach the Scriptures, and we came away blushing that our knowledge of them was so poor. In our conversation with humble saints, we are taught the way of God more perfectly for ourselves and get a deeper insight into divine truth. So watering others makes us humble. We discover how much grace there is where we had not looked for it, and how much the humble saint may outstrip us in knowledge. Our own comfort is also increased by working for others. We endeavor to cheer them, and the consolation gladdens our own heart. Consider the two men in the snow—one massaged the other’s limbs to keep him from dying, and in doing so kept his own blood circulating and
saved his own life. Remember the poor widow who supplied the prophet’s needs from her own meager resources, and from that day she never experienced need again. Give, and it will be given to you—good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over.

I recently twitter that unless we live for a cause bigger than ourselves, it bears no significance to our existence. Trying to join what God has brought me through this morning with the two major incidents that i feel that God is working in my heart. To be confronted with my own carnal prejudices and to face hostility and to come out of it with complete serenity and calmness i would normally found in absence of. Even when times of pouring out into other people’s lives, it might not be recipocrated the way i expect, but it doesn’t matter, because the objective is to please my Lord. I felt God impressed on my heart that i will be reaching out to mainland chinese and indians and unless i learn to see them how God see them, i will never fulfill what God wants me to do.

Never Give Up

I have heard perhaps one of the best sermons in Paradise of God Church since i came here, on God is Faithful. And all we need to do is never to give up, because God hasn’t given up on us and He will never give up.

Victory over Sin

It is like a revisit of the old demons when I have accepted Christ as my personal saviour, that in His death, my sins are forgiven. However, every now and then, sins still crept in like a deadly bacteria that causes spiritual and emotional sicknesses that left me wondering if I am truly saved. That when Christ promised His disciples that we will be more than conquerors, is for the super Christians like the mega preachers and mother teresas out there?

Victory over Sin happens not from our merit, if it was, then Christ will not have to die for our sins but provide a list of things we should do; But then, Christ did not do that, all He did, was to die on the Cross for our Sins. For then, it is a irrefutable fact that Christ died, and He has risen from the grave, a victory over death, our final enemy. Death was never intended, as was Sin, but Death was the result of the final obstacles to our reconciliation to God, as it must be defeated as Sin was at the foot of the Cross.

When we approach the issue of Sin in believers’ lives, is it our merit that the foundation of our salvation stands? Absolutely not. As i am writing this, it serves a continuous reminding of my position in Christ is not affected by how many times i have failed, but how many times i come back to Christ, acknowledging He is still my saviour, and I am still an unfinished work in God’s time. Victory over Sin is not a statement that we are free from Sin, but now we have a victor in me, that has triumphed over Sin and Death, that He is working in my life to chip away the habits of Sin, that we now have a guaranteed in Christ a salvation that will not be denied by our standard, but confirmed in the eternity of His Work.

So when we are assailed with temptations, know, it is not a sign of defeat, but a call to battle and raising our standards and reaffirmation in the Truth and the Fact that Christ is my saviour, yesterday, today and tomorrow!

Another of my favourite songs

i think Christians can be real right? I love this song, not just cos it is by Jay but the emotions coming from this song and the video is just soooooo nice.

Prayer to God today

I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.

Valerie Oon’s Testimony

Note: This is Valerie Oon’s testimony which i find it extremely encouraging and i want to repost the article here with her permission. This is the link to her post -> http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=110120839014&ref=nf

God bless
Daniel

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Again, read this in entirety or not at all. Atheists, unleash your skepticism (:
And I hope this will encourage the people running after God.
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Walking home, I had debated in my head the wisdom of publishing this post. And if I’m honest, the only reasons stopping me are fear and shame. Fear of judgment and sadly, ashamed of God. I’ve been an atheist a good part of my thinking life and consequently, I know a good many people who stand on the same camp. People who, as I had been, would seriously question the sanity and intellect of theists. This is no joke for me. I’ve been wrestling with notions of my potential dementia or stupidity.

For months now, I’ve been struggling to come to terms with the concept of a loving God, our Creator, His omniproperties and His supernatural ability. My faith in Christianity has been, hitherto, experimental. In fact, oh my God, I’ve just remembered that now would be about time my timeline expired. Wow, great timing, God. So, in my hunger for The Truth and partly because of a personal ‘immersive’ side project to ‘field research’ for a module I was taking last semester (PH2211 Philosophy of Religion), I joined The Outreach and was soon convinced by Daniel to challenge the existence of God by means of an experimental faith that will span 6 months. And let me tell you, I had been fully prepared to walk away smugly in 6 months, all equipped with robust academic reasons against the existence of this being. Unfortunately for my conceit, He triumphed. Kind of. But in return, He is giving (has given and will give) me so much more.

My experimental journey with the Creator began with a tearfully uttered sinner’s prayer at CKRM, a church that move(d) in the power of the Holy Spirit, the second (?) time I visited. Why tearfully? I don’t know what came over me, I attribute it to fatigue (don’t wanna be presumptuous yet). That day was business as usual for the ‘crazy church’ (yes, that’s what I called it), manifestations all over the place that sent me to fits of hilarity. I have to admit that part of the reason I bothered spending my Saturday over there was the entertain I got in return. The presence of God in that place, apparently, was so strong that people drop like flies under the Spirit all throughout the preaching. Not only that, people laugh and run around the place, roar and tremble and all that stuff. I don’t even hear half the things the pastor says. (You people are so thinking we’re loonies.) That day, AGAIN, one of the pastors called me up to pray (with the intention of causing my manifestation-unsuccessfully). By the way, Dick is scared to death of that place because of that. Sorry your secret is out, dear. This time I was really scared because Dick had just fallen under the Spirit right before my eyes. I was totally NOT laughing anymore because I know him and I know he wouldn’t fake something like that. It was either delusion or the presence is real. So by that time, I was bawling my eyes out worrying for him. And honestly, I was half prepared to flee from this cult parade. Ok because I had been crying at the time, this part is a bit blurry. I can’t remember what the pastor was praying but she made me cry even harder, in a not-so-bad way, with me all the time trying my utmost best to stand on my wobbly feet and finally surrendering my full weight on Janice. Then I just felt, I don’t know, like, ready. I felt ready to get to know this God and see if He works out for me. So that was it–my first step, with Daniel and Janice and Dick holding my hands.

The past few months had me catapulting from vibrant belief to stubborn unbelief, desperate longing to incredulous disdain. Midway through this journey, I realized that no academic grounding can keep my faith until I experience the full glory of His word fulfilled for me. I completed that philosophy module defeated in my search for Truth because philosophy did nothing for me except give me false excitement only to take it away with each counter-argument and counter-counter-argument. And in the end, it left me with an inconclusive conclusion that made me wildly ravenous for a transcendental understanding of this world.

I began praying to God for a revelation. For such a spectacular revelation of His existence that I would have to be stupid to deny it. For such an intimate display that would only make sense to me and me alone and in that instant, strengthen my faith in Him so that I can never be the same again. For my own story to tell. A proof of Him so strong that my testimony can bring glory to Him through its impartation to disbelievers because I had been one of them. I don’t want a subpar understanding, I don’t want a subpar faith. I don’t want signs that I can rationalize to shreds of useless paper. I don’t want a squeak. I want to shout it out. I want the best or nothing at all. And if He was so great, I want to see Him do that.

Today, He finally moved a muscle. Today is the beginning of my never-be-the-same-again.

Today started out bad for me. In fact, it had started being bad since about that day I clubbed. God must be finally doing something about my social smoking. (Yep, secret’s out, not everyone knows that.) Long story short, I felt like crap after that day. In fact, on my way home at 4 a.m., I felt so remorseful I went to sit at the park and prayed for God to keep my bearings. Mostly, I also felt guilty towards Dick for dishonoring God. Weird how my brain works. That was Saturday. And then I couldn’t get my lazy ass to run. So I’m in desperate want of endorphin and I just felt ready to blow my top at some poor guy (namely, Dick). He really doesn’t deserve that so I prayed before leaving the house that God will bless the poor guy and bless me with some joy until I get my runner’s high.

We have theology classes by Chris the Genius, B.A. Theology, in Daniel’s house every Tuesday and today’s lesson on the apocalyptic worldviews of the Israelites pre-birth of Jesus -??- did nothing for me. But after class, I was fixated with Daniel’s gossip sharing with Dick and somehow the conversation evolved to him telling me about manifestations and testimonies of people who only experience it after years of desiring it. I began tearing and holding back tears. Specifically at the time Daniel mentioned his experience when he prayed for the Spirit to come and be his friend, stretching his hand out, it happened. It swept over him. Couldn’t complete his sentence, reduced to fits of giggles. And then I started sobbing, full force, like someone died. Ok I may be emotional but I don’t quite SOB at nothing. How do I explain what I felt at the time? Just…moved. Profoundly touched by some unnamed event or feeling or something. An opening in my heart. We joined hands in prayer and I just…felt. I felt that God…is. He exists. Period. You can have a bunch of academics postulating until the cow comes home and not reach a satisfactory conclusion but I tell you, this feeling. It’s like “Shut up, I am here. See? You can quit speculating.” I have NEVER felt like that in my life. Doubt consumes me. Doubt is me. But at that moment, all my heart and mind were in complete agreement to a fact that just happened. Wow. And I was uplifted.

Call me delusional. Then again, I wouldn’t even say this is a full revelation from God. He knows it’s not enough for me. It’s just a stir from Him. Something to keep me going, or just to cheer me up, or maybe He’s just being kind to Dick. I still have my doubts but now, I have no doubt that He will make Himself real to me… IF He really exists.

Despair

The job that could spell a breakthrough in my finances woe is but gone, and when the news came, i am quick to blame it on their arrogance but I am so wrong. Perhaps i am not good enough for the job offer after all project management is not my strength and i am left rueing in hurt like a whimpy pup.

Maybe when Pastor Judah Smithis right that most of the time we expect miracle to come from a particular avenue and in this case, i expected a breakthrough of a good job but God might be doing a curve ball to surprise me. I am telling myself again and again that I can trust in my Father although I am doubting if this is a repetition to make myself believer sort of like brainwashing myself without the essence of a real faith?

I am getting tired of this burden where i can’t afford to see a doc, pay for my mum’s medical bill, or even take my grandmother to a doc for her arm, and for Mercy’s bills. I feel downright useless and worthless. What am id oing with earning this meagre amount of money and in a debt i can’t do anything about it. I hate my life and my frustration of the situation, and i wish i can just not do anything and let someone or even let God handle it cos i feel my inner tank of will and drive is drying up and left empty.  How I wish i know at least a process of how to come to Jesus so i can find rest. How? How? How?